The Ten Commandments of the Messy Break Up

November 17, 2010 § 2 Comments

Apologies if this sounds familiar. A rehash of an old blog post, because there are many more lovely women I know who are suffering heartbreaks at the hands of douchebags. I suppose this applies to men who’ve had bad break ups too. So feel free to make appropriate changes wherever necessary.

The Ten Commandments of the messy Break Up
1. Thou shalt not be obliged to “still be friends”: You already have a lot of friends. Friends are people you can discuss the things that are bothering you the most. Common sense tells you that people don’t like other people telling them how horrible they are. Can you bitch about your Ex to your Ex himself? I didn’t think so.

You're better than this.

2. Thou shall realize that as a concept, ‘closure’ is overrated: I still don’t know what that means. So don’t break your head over it and keep repeating “I need closure I need closure” like a moron. What you need is…
Closure can be painful

Closure can be painful

3. A life, which thou shall realize getting is easier said than done : Sit down, scroll down your phone contacts and note every person who’s number you took down at a party saying “oh, you’re in Bombay? we should meet up!” (unless you’re in Delhi, which would just make it a stupid effort) Message them casually, try and get out of office and go meet them, get introduced to new social circles. This isn’t about getting a new guy in your life. It’s being able to do something else than sit and remember that it would have been 3 years since he first unhooked your bra (I actually know someone who remembered that date from her relationship. Yikes.) Remember, when you have no teeth and actually need to wear diapers all the time, you’re going to feel really stupid that you spent some part of the best years of your life acting like you were.

Never argue with a mushroom.

4. Thou shall start dating: Dating, as a term, is used really often but rarely actually done. See, dating is when you don’t know what’s in store and you’re taking a chance. We all have these cut off issues and other hangups.My Father in Law was telling me of the time when he was looking for a bride. He told me that he had a list of 10 qualifications his potential wife would have to have. He met a woman who possessed only 2 of them, and I know this is a cliched story but at the end of their first meeting he knew he wanted to marry her. They’ve been married for 30 years and appear totally besotted with each other even now.
Anyway, dating is fun, and gives you some much needed attention from the opposite sex and reaffirms the fact that you are an attractive being. And it gives you an excuse to dress up and eat at some cool restaurants. Also, when you meet other men, you get to appreciate qualities which your Ex never had. For example, I never realized the importance of being with a well read individual (I dated a guy who hadn’t read a single book except a Judge’s Autobiography) till I started seeing a Mastermind India Quizzer. And dating also gives you great stories to tell your friends. Just make sure you go to public places and never leave your drink unattended. But that’s just me being my paranoid self.

Be a little careful about what you wear.

5. Thou shall not rely on Friends, Sex and the City and any other White Urban Sitcom for inspiration on how to handle your situation:Rule of thumb – if you are talking to some friend of yours about your breakup trauma and some sentence ends in “just like in that episode of…” stop right there. Stop whatever you are doing. See the serials may be fun, you may relate to them, but that’s about it. The Mr. Pigs of the world never follow you to Paris. You don’t have to be friends with Moss so that you can get back after 8 years. Wake up. Watch Seinfeld instead. Remember – though “He’s Just Not That Into You” comes from the writers of Sex and the City, the entire series was based on the reverse.

You want to take advice from this?

6. Thou shall get angry. Very angry: Don’t think that the need to be dignified means that you need to act as if nothings gone wrong. When I hear the story of a friend of mine getting dumped, I get angry. So if as someone who’s been broken up with, you aren’t getting angry, it’s a major problem. Don’t cringe if you can’t help thinking about the past. After all, it was a part of your life. Give yourself the right to be angry and to break some glasses.

It's cute to be angry.

7. Thou shall ask thy friends for their ‘honest’ opinion: In most cases, your friends have already realized that he’s a jerk even before you even smelled the faintest whiff of scum. Therefore, when you break up, don’t be surprised to hear a lot of sighs of relief and “finally”s. Probe them into what they thought was wrong with him. Although a lot of them might be saying it by way of being polite (I’ve never heard of anyone saying ‘Oh, that’s too bad. That was the best you could ever have done, anyway. Can I have his number?’), some of them may have cogent reasons which you should listen to and internalize and that’ll help you realize that this was certainly not your best shot. Not a chance.

You don't want to ask this guy for anything "honest", but he can definitely drive away break up blues.

8. Thou shalt not forget the best person to help you get over your Ex: Is your Ex himself. Really. An exception of sorts to the “friends with the ex” commandment. At times, after breaking up (either you being broken up with or you being so fed up with the situation that you call it quits), you are filled with doubt – did I do the right thing? Was I too hasty? Maybe I should give it another shot? Especially when you remember the ‘good times’ in the relationship. In this case, sometimes talking to your Ex helps you realize the reason why you wanted to call it quits. At some point, he’ll say something that will leave you with no doubt that ending this relationship is certainly the best thing to have happened to you since Whisper Ultra prices falling.

Every Google Image search of Ashmit Patel makes life easier for Riya Sen. True Story.

9. Thou shalt not underestimate the support of your friends, but always overestimate the internet: Feel uneasy about the whole thing? Need a shoulder to cry on? Talk about it, especially to people who’ve been through it. It helps. Really. But never, ever on a public fora. That is just so not cool.

Trashing exes in public is so not cool. Even if you're John Mayer.

And very very importantly:
10. Thou shalt not forget: You are gorgeous, smart, and at the very least, deserving of more than this piece of excreta. So don’t even think of breakup sex. (I had to slip that in somewhere, didn’t I?)
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§ 2 Responses to The Ten Commandments of the Messy Break Up

  • Nona says:

    🙂 A good compilation.

  • My name is Katherine , am from taxes USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man Dr Kalakuta brought my husband back to me, i had three lovely kids for my husband, about four years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i should not worry about it at all, so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that’s why i want to say a big thank you to Dr Kalakuta. This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:kalakutasolutiontemple@gmail.com

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